Innermost Feelings

I'll start you off with a picture of my cat. I've had her since I was in college. She's 17 years old now and just as spritely as ever.

Her name is Smalls. I loved the movie, "Sandlot" and it shows when I say, "You're killing me, Smalls!"

Now onto the real stuff.

I still find it difficult to accept this new reality. My face is paralyzed - so I look sad all the time. My balance is off - which is why people stare at me. Honestly I thought they stared before because I was wearing an eye patch. But I'm not wearing one anymore! I can't do the household chores I used to do. I can't work at all. I can't even drive! I have to take a walking stick with me when I go for walks. I've lost so much in this life. Not just my physicality, but I've lost personal relationships too. The grieving over that was too much for me. But i worked through it.

Feelings of unworthiness crept in. Feelings of not being enough. Feeling unwanted. Unloved. I mean...who could love this - right? Feeling neglected. Abandoned.

My husband didn't make me feel this way though. He's been very encouraging, loving, and supportive.

But people I grew up with and shared my life with made me feel this way.

I wonder how they're doing. What is new in their world. But they don't wonder those things about me...I don't even get a letter in the mail. 34 years meant nothing to them.

It's as if the whole world has kept going. Time has stopped for me and this is where I am. It's like when someone dies and your life halts. But in reality, the rest of the world is still going. That's my feeling - I've died. Well, the old me has died.

I don't want people staring at me anymore. So I've been kicking it into extra high gear in my therapies.

I know my feelings of sadness, doubt, and loneliness all come from Satan. I know it does. God would never want His children to feel this way.

God. Doesn't. Want. His. Children. To. Feel. This. Way.

I would never want this for any of my children. They don't have to worry about feeling alone and neglected with me. I would never abandon them. And neither will our Heavenly Father!

Alongside my husband - THAT is who I depend on. My HEAVENLY Father. My earthly father left me when I needed him most.

I had already been through trauma. The thought...she has been through a lot of trauma - lets add some more to that!

Those people must carry a lot of hurt in their hearts to traumatize their daughter & sister who has suffered a catastrophic brain injury.

It's their burden to carry. I'm throwing it to the side of the road and leaving that burden behind. I'm not even looking back.

A huge sigh of relief of letting that go! To my supporters, thank you all for being there for me. I love you guys ❤️