...it reveals you.
So, what is grief, anyways?
Thank you for asking, grasshopper! It is a deep sorrow.
There are five stages of grief. Yes, you can grieve without losing a person! You can grieve over the loss of a lifestyle, over the physical loss of a person. Whatever you have come to known for YEARS and suddenly it's gone, you can add in that grief.
So, what are these five stages of grief?
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
For over a year, I have been in denial. There's no way I can be like this forever! Right?!?! Someone queue in the 'no' please! I have seriously JUST learned that there is no going back to the way I was. That this is going to be my life forever. Now, it won't always be this bad! So that does give me some hope. But I have to work HARD. I constantly have to be thinking. Okay, so now swallow Jessica! Alright, now we are walking. Put one foot in front of the other. Keep your posture straight, no leaning or you'll fall! Watch out for that ginormous crack! I'm sure this will all be used against me. That has become my life too now. Everything I do or don't do is used against me. This past year has been SO negative! I can't even share more than half of it with you. But the past two days I have been going back and forth, and not so kindly, with a person who doesn't like me.
If you were to ask my husband, you know that rock that has ALWAYS been there for me, he would say that I'm in the anger stage of grief. I've finally moved past denial in over a year. How long will I be angry?! I feel as though if this didn't happen to me, we wouldn't be dealing with nonstop negative. I would have graduated from college with my AMAZING degree in Funeral Science! I would be interning and working my tail off with funerals. I would be learning the ins and outs of a funeral home. Because it WAS part of my five-year plan to OWN my own funeral home.
I have even drafted up my designs and know the exact equipment I want and the different types of hearses I wanted to offer. I wanted to be UNIQUE. I wanted to STAND OUT. I didn't want to be like every other funeral home I have seen before. Part of my awesome plan, one of my oldest boys was going to work with me. I mean, he cleans ducks with me. I've taught him how to fillet them too. He loved it! That little weirdo. I'm smiling as I type this out.
But part of my anger now, is I don't know or understand how people can live with themselves or sleep at night with treating me like doo-doo? HOW? Do they not have a conscious? Do they not believe in Christ the Lord? We are to be wonderful Christians and treat all of our brothers and sisters with love, kindness, respect...you know, like how Jesus treated everyone!
So that is a lot where my anger lies. Not knowing how people can live their own day to day lives with being so awful towards me. That, and knowing I will no longer have my old life again. As I sit here and type with an eyepatch on my right eye. NOPE. Things will NEVER be the same again!
Stay tuned for the next stages of grief!
Brought to you by....ME!
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