I need to write this out as part of my healing journey. Don't worry, this is the absolute last you'll hear of it.
Takotsubo cardiomyopathy - aka - broken heart syndrome.
This is a heart condition where the main chamber changes shape, thus affecting how the heart pumps blood.
I had this condition while I was in a coma. They were slightly concerned but treated it well. I thought all was done and I could move on from this, but little did I know it springs back from time to time when you least expect it Now that I'm not in a coma, it feels like a heart attack and when reading on it - that's how its described. You have horrible chest pains like you're being stabbed, and your chest feels so tight you can hardly breathe It's like a forty-pound young child is sitting on your chest! You, at random times, start choking. I've had to pop in a little ibuprofen to try and make the pain subside.
How do you get this?
Initially, you can get it due to a traumatic injury/illness or if you had a major surgery. I had both.
Many years later, it can spring back up when you go through intense emotional pain.
I know I've said this year IS MY YEAR and NOTHING is going to stop that. But when triggering events arise, it's hard not to get sucked in and down a rabbit hole of what has happened the past year and a half.
So, let's go back in time. Shall we?
Before my accident my mom, sisters, and I all had a group chat, and we would text every single day. We would even randomly facetime each other. I really ONLY know this because I still have the texts on my phone. I even have a group chat with just my sisters and on occasion I would talk to just my mom. Now...this doesn't happen anymore. It wasn't of my choosing either! But they all sided AGAINST me when I needed positivity the most.
Positivity is crucial to healing and surviving..
Many years ago, I was a daddy's girl. We used to snuggle in his recliner and watch TV. One saying I remember is he used to tell me I'm his favorite daughter. To which I replied that I was his only daughter.
Now let's go back to when I was in the rehab center, lying on the bed, not able to transfer to my wheelchair - as I couldn't walk. I'm in tears at this point because I just got off facetime with my sister where she told me she canceled her flight to see me and didn't care that she lost money. My dad felt the need to add to that hurt by yelling at me and storming out of my room. My mother followed suit. I was obliterated and it still haunts me from time to time. He did this to his only daughter.
When they came back to my state after leaving me the first time, it was not to see me. They had negative intentions and took part in negative actions. The end result left me in bed for DAYS. I could barely walk, I was running into walls and doors. I could barely speak as I was slurring my words.
Let me repeat those words:
Positivity is CRUCIAL to healing and surviving
I have yet to receive any sort of apology or "I was wrong" from anybody. Instead, they like to post negatives about me on social media. All untrue, of course. God will show the truths on His time. Simply pray to Him to open your eyes and give you better understanding. My one Aunt got so caught up in it to where she decided to yell at me too.
God knows what they all say about me. In public, behind closed doors.
Why was I triggered by all of this? Well, I can't say the who's or the specific details - I have others to protect - who are. in my eyes, more important than this.
But they were left feeling so confused by actions taken behind my back. See, my family have been against me this whole time. Trying to do things behind my back, thinking I'll never find out, or simply hoping I do not find out.
This situation had left me absolutely obliterated. I was sobbing and lying in bed. My husband held me and prayed over me. This is Jessica's year; he kept saying.
It is day three of my chest pains and I am praying hard they simply go away. I can at least breathe today. But I find my balance has been a little off at home. Going out into public I really think hard about what I'm doing and where I'm going.
I have been told that if you let their actions hurt you, then you are giving them power.
THIS IS MY YEAR.
I lead a bible study with my sweet sister in Christ all around mental health. We have learned about our true identity. Those of this earth do not give our lives meaning. Our true identity is in Christ. Everything I do is for my heavenly Father. HE WILL NEVER LEAVE ME.
One of my first classes this past week was about relationships and how they are affected by your injury/illness. I shared my story and was thanked for being vulnerable.
To end my week off wonderfully, I went to my church women's breakfast where the speaker gave a testimony on broken relationships. At our tables we were to think of situations where we had broken relationships. I shared my story and the women at the table sat there still and with their mouths open and looking out in confusion.
"I could NEVER do that to my child!" They all said as they rubbed my shoulders in comfort.
I promise, I will never forsake my children. I never have.
I promise, this is the last I will speak of my family. They hold no power over my life.
I promise, I will be and stay positive.
I promise, I WILL SURVIVE.
WATCH ME.
This song has been on repeat for me. This is MY song. My faith is strong.
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