Today was… a day.
I had an appointment in the early morning about an hour away. The appointment was all of two hours. Then we drove an hour back home.
Let’s take it back a step and talk about the appointment.
My ocular plastic surgeon looked at my eyes. Remember, I haven’t been able to close my eyes in over two years.
The right eye he did surgery on, is still a third of the way sewn shut. It also has a gold weight in the eyelid to help it close. He said it still doesn’t close all the way, but it closes much farther than it did before. My right cornea looks great! Before it didn’t have a protective barrier over it. That’s why we had surgery on it. When he stained my eyes this time, the protective barrier made the stain wash out and it had slight drizzle running down my eye due to tears.
My left eye, the stain had stay in patches. Which puts that eye at risk from becoming damaged. Now, this surgeon I trust and he’s retiring in the fall!! So we are going ahead with the surgery. IF at some point, we decide that my eyelids being sewn shut is keeping me from driving - then there is an ocular surgeon closer to us that can take the stitches out. But as long as my eye is doing great - he doesn’t want to touch the stitches. Soooo, my eyelids being sewn shut is sounding like a forever thing…for now…
He also brought up the fact that I have red patches under my eyes. He stated I likely have acquired “preservative toxicity” from my eye drops. So we need to get “preservative free” drops. He also asked if I use drops or gel drops. I said drops; but then he stated that gel drops are better and lubricate more. Remember, I do eye drops 2-3 times a day and have an eye ointment I put in each night.
I then brought up the question of facial reanimation. This one I’m still crying over. I actually felt like I died a little on the inside. He is giving my medical records to a facial reconstructive surgeon at UVA, who he has personally worked with for years and trusts what he does. This doctor also worked with my neurosurgery team, as he helps with skull reconstruction.
This surgeon though will look over my records and will decide if I’m even a candidate for facial reanimation. My facial paralysis is so severe that they would have to take part of a muscle, vein, nerve, and artery from my inner thigh and attach it in my face.
Now what my ocular surgeon said was that he would need a good working sensory motor nerve in my face to use. He said that normally people who have this surgery are only paralyzed on one side of the face.
He tilted my chin, looked into my eyes with a sad expression filling his eyes and told me that I have bilateral facial paralysis. The likelihood of me being a good candidate for this surgery is slim.
My instant thought, I will have a paralyzed face for the rest of life. I will never be able to close my eyes again. I will never be able to smile again. I will never be able to show my teeth or move my eyebrows.
I can cry though. Which tears are filling my eyes as we speak. So if words aren’t spelled correctly, I can’t see them with a blurred vision.
Facial reanimation does so much for you. It helps you to close your eyes again (then I can get the stitches off of my eyelids). It helps you to smile again. Albeit, not a perfect smile though. It helps you to show expression on your face, rather than my stone cold look I have mastered…because I can’t move a muscle in my face.
I have prism glasses now though. So I can see single vision with them on. I also have prism sunglasses which are helpful when I’m outside.
So I guess that’s a plus.
Please pray on all of this. If the surgeon here can’t do it, I plan to try Duke University.
If they can’t do it, please pray for my acceptance in this.
I want this done. I need this done. I have to close my eyes so my cornea doesn’t get damaged.
Beside you in prayer! -Sib