I don't even know where to begin with this.
What I've just read is beyond hurtful. It makes me look back and realize that people who were supposed to love me and protect me were actually the ones manipulating me.
How does one recover and let go?
I don't have all of the answers, friends. I'm still learning as I go. I try to just offer positivity and HOPE to others who may not be feeling it. But I have to warn you...the start of this one is anything. but.
You see, my team met up and was having a weekly team meeting.
My team being, all of my therapists, my main nurse, my doctor, my psychiatrist, and my case manager. All people who I've grown to love and trust in such a short time. They talked amongst themselves about my deficits, what my strengths and weaknesses are, what my goals in general are, and what I would need long term when I get discharged. At the end of that, they wrote:
"D/C plans at this time are for patient to return home with her husband though her parents have indicated that they are interested in taking patient home with them."
This shows to me that my parents were unwilling to work with my husband at all. This shows to me that they were rooting for our downfall. This shows to me that they wanted me to get a divorce. This shows MANY things to me.
See, I told you I wouldn't start positively! I really didn't want to write about this stuff at all. But it's in my doctor's notes! Something that will be there FOREVER. I feel bad for my rehab team though. They were put in the middle of this. What did they think when my parents told them they wanted to take me home with them? What on earth did they think?
Oh, I need to go meditate and cool myself down. I'll be back soon. Though you won't know I'm gone...
So, I went outside to sit on my front porch chairs and breathed. It was nice and relaxing.
Let's continue on and hopefully it's more positive going forward!
My case manager wants to get me into groups during my stay so I can maintain some sort of recreation. She thinks it'll be good for me!
My psychologist says that they tried to do a thorough evaluation on me, but I was struggling to stay awake. They'll try again at a later date. But they said I was feeling sad about my condition, and they fully believe that I'll need some counseling when I further improve.
My diagnosis are the following:
acute respiratory failure
cerebellar stroke
cerebellar edema
coma
deep vein thrombosis
depression
empyema
fracture of parietal bone in skull
frontal skull fracture
hyponatremia
migraine
occipital bone fracture
parapneumonic effusion
pneumonia
tachycardia
traumatic brain injury
traumatic subarachnoid hemorrhage
Listings of my leisure activities, which my family told because I couldn't speak:
Cards and Games : None
Crafts and Art : Cooking, Painting, Other: scrap booking
Physical Activity : Other: running and tough mudder
Music : Listen to music, Other: enjoys christian music, Cher
Reading and Writing : Books, Other: enjoys reading mystery books
Spirituality & Religious : Attend worship
Outing : Movies, Eating outing, Shopping, Other: work
Gardening : Flowers, Maintenance, Planting
Social Conversation : Family/Friends, Phone
Recreation Activities : Other: baseball, soccer, cycling
Cognitive Improvement : None
Pet Preference : Cat, Dog
television Show Preference : Movies, Other: Impractical Jokers, True crime shows
Leisure Interest Notes : chickens dogs pigs turkeys 4 boys loves helping people patient is deaf in L ear loves watching Lucille Ball and Marilyn Monroe
Okay...so I don't paint. I haven't scrapbooked since my youngest was one. And he is now 10. I haven't listened to Cher since...who knows when! I don't read mystery books. I read devotionals. I don't like shopping AT ALL. I don't do baseball, soccer, OR cycling. I don't even watch them willingly! I don't watch True Crime shows. I mainly watch Friends, Flash, Green Arrow, I Love Lucy, and The Office. I don't know when the last time was when I saw anything Marilyn Monroe...and I don't willingly tell people I'm deaf. It's just not a conversation starter.
"Patient's mother, father, and step-mother present for the eval as well. Patient's family provided information regarding the patient's leisure interests. Prior to admission, the patient enjoyed running, doing tough mudders, reading, watching TV, and spending time with her four children. Patient also has a wide variety of animals at home. Per chart review, the patient was working part time and attending school prior to admission."
And the beat goes on! The hospital came in to do my lab work the doctor requested to see if my sodium levels in the liver has gotten better yet. The team agrees with the doctor. My sodium was even lower in my liver when they did the lab work. They are also thinking it's hyponatremia. They are ordering and issuing more serum to be given to me. They stated it could be something else. But that something else affects the brain and cognitively they said I'm good. So, they don't believe it to be that at all.
And here is my list of surgeries!
Procedure/Surgical History:
• Gastrostomy (06/08/2022) • Bronchoscopy (05/27/2022) • Thoracoscopy (05/27/2022) • Tracheostomy (05/23/2022) • Insertion of chest tube (05/20/2022) • Insertion of chest tube (05/14/2022) • Craniotomy (05/03/2022)
Okay...so there were SOME positive moments in there. But I'll have to shuffle us back to my case manager's notes and the negativity that goes along with it.
Sorry guys.
It's not my fault! I have severe TBI. I just write out the notes given to me. You know that saying about the messenger. Well. Don't shoot me please!
"Patient's father, stepmother, and mother requested an exception to the visitation rule. Normally only 3 visitors are allowed per day and patient's husband and his children (patient's 10 yr. old and 12 yr. old step-sons) have been visiting (though husband will be advised that the 10 yr. old is not allowed to visit per SAI age guidelines). Patient's parents and step-mother would like the opportunity to visit patient as well preferably at times other than when her husband is visiting due to some family disharmony. The parents and step-mother would like to bring patient's biological 12 yr. old son to visit as well; they are aware that her biological 10 yr. old son is not allowed to visit due to SAI age guidelines). A visitation exception has been granted so the parents/stepmother so that they can visit in the morning time."
Let me clear the air here. It was extremely RARE that any of my kids came to visit me. I think my husband only brought my step-kids a couple of times during the first two weeks I didn't remember a thing. My step-kids are also 14 and 12. Let's be clear here. They are NOT the same ages as my kids. And my biological kids...I remember only seeing them TWICE while I was in rehab. TWICE. And my kids are 13 and 10. So yes...my 10-year-old will still have to follow the rule. BUT ALL OF MY KIDS ARE MY KIDS. We don't follow "step" or "bio" anything. They are all my boys.
Sorry I had to end it this way. Now you know what I've been secretly battling. Well, part of it. I can't talk about the rest at all. And my doctors all stress that I need positivity in my life in order to fully heal. Well, that is one thing my family is missing. POSITIVITY. I mean my family back home where I grew up. Not my family here.
TO NOTE ON 9/7/2023: THESE ARE ALL MY DOCTORS NOTES. I HAVE NOT READ ANYTHING BEFORE. I WRITE AS I READ AND SO I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE FUTURE NOTES SAY. I DO NOT REMEMBER ANYTHING AT THIS POINT. I STILL DONT HAVE A MEMORY FOR AT LEAST ANOTHER WEEK AND A HALF. AGAIN, THESE ARE DOCTOR NOTES WITH A TOUCH OF MY NOW EMOTIONS. BECAUSE IT MAKES SENSE TO ME NOW WHY THINGS HAPPENED IN THE PAST. IT DEFINITELY DID NOT MAKE SENSE TO ME THEN. SO PLEASE KNOW THAT WHAT I WRITE ABOUT IS ACCURATE AND TRUE.
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